Hey y’all! Today, I have teamed up with such a very sweet person. We have chatted about this topic and wanted to bring awareness to this subject that is near and dear to both of our hearts. Elizabeth is an amazing human being, dancer, blogger, mother, and wife.
So, without further ado, here is Elizabeth to tell her heartwarming story:
First I want to thank Mary-Liz Escanuela for inviting me to share my story with you. My goal today is to share my miscarriage story and how I am dealing with it. Hopefully my story will encourage others to share their story.
In January of this year I received the best news I could have hoped for- a positive pregnancy test. My husband and I would welcome another child into the world on October 10, 2016. We were very excited and could not wait to see our little one at the first appointment. The day had finally arrived for the first sonogram. We could see our baby on the screen and tears began to stream down my cheeks. I was experiencing pure joy.
After the sonogram we see the doctor and she proceeded to tell us she wants to see us back in two weeks just as a checkup to make sure everything progresses well. We saw the doctor at about seven weeks which is quite early for the first appointment.
Two weeks go by and this time me, my mom, and daughter are back at the doctor’s office. (My husband was unable to get off of work and I do not like to go to those appointments alone) We walk into the sonogram room first and shortly there after we see Spark (we always choose a utero name for the baby). He/she was beautiful! So tiny. So precious.
As the technician was taking various images she asked me to hold by breathe so she could get a heart rate from the baby. After two attempts, no luck. She also asked if I had experienced any bleeding. I responded with a no and she fell silent. She held her composure while dodging some of my questions, legally she cannot reveal what the sonogram captures other than the gender. The technician then sends me to see the doctor.
While I sat there waiting I knew that something was wrong. My mom tried her best to comfort me but I just sat there with tear-filled eyes. The doctor comes in and somberly said, “I am so sorry but your baby does not have a heart beat.”
I immediately fell into shock. How can my baby not have a heart beat? What did I do wrong? What happened? So many questions filled my mind and before I knew it I found myself relaying them to my doctor. Question after question after question. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I could see myself almost interrogating my doctor, my daughter breaking down due to my emotional state, and my mother trying her best to console my daughter.
My doctor assured me that it was nothing I did or did not do. It was simply that the baby did not grow. Her words were, “Sometimes it’s just the body’s way of taking care of something abnormal.” I can understand why she would say that but as a Christian I could not truly accept it. My doctor told me to take as much time as I needed, which we did. By the time we got back in the car I was shaking and could barely speak.
On our way home I asked my mom to stop by Chick-fil-A so I could get a chocolate milkshake. That was the only decision I could make and we then proceeded to go home. My husband arrived home shortly after I did and we just hugged. My husband told his family what happened and to please please pray for us.
I asked my mom to take my daughter back to her house, I knew the environment would be too much for her to handle. During that afternoon my husband and I just rested in silence. I needed to be distracted so we watched a movie and then he went out to pick up wine and a new board game. After the movie, we sat on our back porch and sipped wine while mastering the new game. The thought of actually processing through this information made me sick to my stomach.
As each day went by where Spark had not actually passed, the paranoia elevated. Each time I went to the restroom I was afraid to look. The stress had reached a level that became too much to handle so I called my doctor to let her know that I would like the medication she told me about to help speed up the process. I picked up the medicine that same day and the waiting game continued. Within 18 hours, after taking the medicine, Spark had passed. I did not have much bleeding or pain in the following days, which I was very thankful for.
After being seen by my doctor a week later she informed me that everything looked perfect. I let out a sigh of relief. The possibility of an issue hindering my chances of getting pregnant again seemed unbearable.
How I Am Dealing With It?
I did take some time off from teaching my fitness classes, attending life group, and church. Distance and time from commitments outside of my family was very important to me. I felt that if I continued attending my regular commitments I would not have the mental capacity to process what I went through. During my time off I distracted myself a lot. I was afraid to admit and contemplate my loss. I poured my time, energy, and attention into my daughter and husband. It had become the one area in my life that I could control, even if it was only a small amount. I even neglected my relationship with Christ.
By the time I went back to my regular routine I still had not really dealt with my emotions. My husband and I had talked through our initial feelings and again a few weeks after the fact. A dear friend of mine, who also knows this loss, bought me a book to help me navigate this tough time. I have been going through the book very slowly which is partially due to not wanting to. I suppose I equate going through the book with fully admitting my loss. It is not easy.
After several months of keeping an open dialogue with Christ, my husband, family, and closest friends I have begun to see some hope. And it was not until a dear friend sent me a podcast from Focus On The Family that I realized I truly needed closure. As I was listening to this beautiful story of a woman who too lost a child, I found myself in a puddle of tears. I needed a way to symbolically close this chapter of my life. The pain and sadness will never fully go away but I needed to let it go.
Spark’s due date was October 10th. On that day I only wore Spark’s ring, for every child I have carried my husband has bought me a ring. Inscribed in the ring is “Spark 10-10-16”. Once my husband came home from work we sat on our back porch and thought about how different our lives would be if Spark were with us. We thanked the Lord for sending us a Rainbow baby, “Bow”. We encouraged each other to see how God can use our story to help others. Then my husband read some scripture and we prayed over the reading and each other.
We, of course, are sad but we are also hopeful of what this experience will teach us. I certainly do not wish this loss on any parent but what I do wish is that for each parent who has lost a child to know that you are not alone. Know that there is hope. Know that there is someone who wants to cry with you. You just have to be willing to let that person in.
You can find me on
Blog at http://www.lovedoinglife.com
Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/love.doing.life/
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lovedoinglife/
Twitter at https://twitter.com/eaj1103